*I hear the loudest fucking noise and I told them all to be quiet. Kyung's annoying voice echos through my room. I get up from my messy bed, fueled by the heat of the moment. I don't normally find Kyung annoying but these past few days have been eating me alive. If only I remembered things so I could understand how shitty my life is. Instead I can't remember shit and I have to accept how shitty my life is without actually knowing. I walk down the hall and to the living room, about to raise my voice when I see you standing there. I freeze for a second before my impulses pulsate all at once causing me to bump into the lamp near me, making it almost fall over* s-shit *I murmur under my breath as I try to fix it but I also try to leave the scene at the same time*

*We all freeze when we hear you stomp through to the living room. My heart jumps when I see you come to light. My instincts to run go and help you kick in when you bump into the lamp and try to scurry off* Ji-Jiho, wait. *I hurry over to help you, but you seem to just slip away just a little bit faster than I could catch up*

*I thought I was over all the crying but the moment I saw you I felt all the emotions that I've let out for the past few days hit me again. It feels like my room is so far away while I try to escape you and my eyes begin to water causing my vision to blur. Your foot steps sound like they're coming closer but I'm too embarrassed to turn around. I'm too embarrassed to cry over you when you obviously don't want to come back to me.* W-what do you want? Leave me alone. 

*I slow down and make my voice a bit softer, you're obviously traumatized right now and I don't want to make it any worse*...I just want to see how you're doing...y-you weren't supposed to see me....

*I lean against the door of my room. You're behind me so I take my hand and wipe any forming tears. My cheeks haven't turned red yet so there is no evidence to me crying. I turn around to look at you.* Well I saw you, you see me. Can you go now? *I realize my sleeve is up and I awkwardly push it down, trying to not create any attention to it. It's not anybody's business anyway.*

*In my already caring state, I study everything about you* Just let me look at you for a little bit longer....I promise I'll leave soon....*I notice you fidget with your sleeve, catching a glimpse of something that makes my heart sink. For a moment I try to convince myself that it isn't what I think it is*....Ji- Jiho....wh-what's that on your a-arm....

Nothing.. leave me alone. *I wish I was able to do the "i'm okay" smile but the bitterness still remains with me, plus the fact that you were my happiness and I've done everything I've could to rip every bit of you out of smile. At night when I think about you I carve. Art that gives me highs, highs that make me forget that when I toss and turn in bed there isn't someone there who will keep me from falling. Just because of that I've fell so hard that I've hit rock bottom.* Don't you have something to do? A boyfriend to see?

*It hurts so bad to see you this way. The beautiful man that I fell in love with is turning into a dark figure that I can't even recognize anymore. Your words slice through my being and I can barely speak*....we-well....not right now....*I begin to reach out to grab hold of your hand but I pull away slightly because the last thing you'd want is for me to touch you*....

*When you touch me the thoughts of "forever" and "holy matrimony" flash through my head. Every single time my fingertips laid onto your being. Every time my lips touched yours. Every time we've ever made love. It gets me into the perspective to every damn reason that I still love you, every damn reason I feel like you deserve a second chance when the reality is you never even wanted one. Loving you was the last thing I ever felt good at. I hate the fact that every single thing about you I still find beautiful. The fact that if you told me you still wanted me I wouldn't even hesitate to tell you yes. But your voice..your voice seems so different, so different than what I remember because the lust you've moaned to him has dried and coated itself all over your whispers. I can't hear who you use to be.* Yeah you should get back to him.. *I manage to say, looking off elsewhere* 

But...*The distance between is becoming greater and even with my hardest efforts, I can't seem to close. I can't figure out what I should do now. Maybe I should give up? That thought makes me sick. I constantly think about you, it's hard to stop something I've been doing for so long*.....I guess you're right....*The feelings cloud my mind as I slide my hand up your arm as I move closer to you, I place a soft kiss on your cheek before I slowly turn away and starts to head away from you*...Jiho...*I stop a few steps away from you*

*It hurts to see you finally leave because that last string of hope that you'd come back to me is cut, the string that's holding up my heart; my heart sinks down to the pit of my stomach. My cheek still stinging from where you kissed me but I can only feel every kisse he's placed on you.* d-don't think about me anymore .. just go. *The back of my mind is screaming at me, the want to slit my flesh is calling to me and all I want you to is for you to leave so I can do it.I don't even wash the blades. Something is going to kill me either way.* 

*I sigh, though I was expecting that reaction, it's still a shot to the heart* I'm going....but please....think...think before you...do something stupid...*I leave with that, before heading out the door I tell the guys to keep an extra close eye on you. As I shut the door behind me, the realization that you probably won't listen to me, breaks the wall I put up back there and tears begin to flood my eyes*

*I go into my room, totally disregarding your words and I do it. Moments later the pain rush has died down and I don't feel any better so I do it two more times before stuffing my things in the usual corner before wiping my arm so it doesn't stain my tshirt. All I want to do is cry now. I wish you still loved me. I wish.*

*It's a difficult drive back home. I keep picturing what you might be doing to yourself, making my stomach turn with every vision. Every part of my being wants to take you in my arms and say I love you and I'll never leave your side again, but I just can't. There's too much to lose now. My heart needs to stop taking over and let you live your life so I can go on with mine*