"What is it?" I ask gently, running my fingers through your hair in an attempt to be soothing.

Reluctantly, I tell you: "I...I heard you...say that you'd give up your happiness....and I imagined...j-just for a minute...I imagined t-that you were in my place..." I start to cry more hysterically the more I talk. "I..I saw you crying...wishing you were d-dead...losing sleep...not eating...h-hurting yourself..." I let out a wheezing sob, my lungs almost crying out for air as my erratic breathing is pushing more air out than in. "I...I-I can't...think about t-that...I..I would never wish this upon you...or...anyone...b-but especially not you..."

Something in the back of my mind comments that this is one of the reasons I love you. Despite all the pain you're in, you're selfless and here you are caring over just imagining me being as sad as you. My heart swells a bit but breaks at the same time, and I rub your back softly, "Don't think about things like that, they'll just bring you down.. That won't happen to me, okay? I promise I'll be alright."

"I-I know...t-that's why it's stupid...I just...I don't understand why...why you would g-give up something so...precious..." Your gentle back rub helps me a little to find my footing. I roll over a little and rest my head in your lap, my subconscious seeking your comfort. "E-even the thought of you losing that...."

I smile softly down at you and run my fingers through your hair, brushing it back off your face, "I'd do it to see you happy again. That's all I want right now - that's what's important to me. And..even though I don't want you to think on it, I guess this helps you see where I'm coming from. The thought of losing you like that terrifies me. You mean so much to me."

"I really don't understand you, Dongwoo-hyung," I say, wiping my eyes and trying to stop crying.

"No one ever does," I chuckle softly, trying to lighten the mood a bit, but I brush back your hair and look down into your eyes, "You mean more to me than you realize."

I peer up into your eyes, looking at your face. You are handsome. You're kind. You're funny. I don't understand what someone like you would see in someone like me. But all I know is that I don't ever want to see you get hurt. And with me, you'll get hurt. For sure. "And you mean more to me than you realise," I retort, blinking away some tears and they roll down my cheeks and onto your lap.

I give you another soft smile and reach down to cup your cheek, wiping away your tears with my thumb, "We're gonna get you through this, okay?"

I nod and lean my face into the soothing touch of your hand on my cheek. Even if I don't love you like you love me, I do love you. You're all I have.

Even after your tears are wiped away, I continue to gently stroke your soft cheek with my thimb. I look down at your face and imagine for a moment that I could take my finger and smooth out the crease between your eyebrows caused by worry and stress, and that it would stay gone. I imagine that I could pull your lips up into a smile and they would stay there. I imagine that I can place laughter in your throat and you'd let it out because you can. I imagine you happy again.

"I'm so tired, hyung...m-my head hurts too...my chest feels..heavy...I don't know what to do..." I murmur, seeking some sort of relief. I can think of a few ways, but I have a feeling you wouldn't like them.

"I wish you could sleep," I murmur, though I know you can't right now. "How can I help you relax?" I ask, brushing your hair back.

"I-I don't know...that's why I'm asking you, hyung..." I say quietly, feeling another wave of pain overcoming me.

I rack my brain quickly, trying to come up with something - anything - that might help you. I come up with a small, minuscule plan and I grab my iPod from beside the bed and pick the playlist that I have for going to sleep. They're all calm, relaxing songs without any sad meanings in them.
"Try to focus on the music instead of your thoughts, okay?"

"My thoughts are loud, hyung..." I say, knowing this won't work.

I bite my lip, though I leave the music on quietly in the background anyway, "Would another massage help at all?"

I shrug. "I...think I'd just feel bad...accepting another one. You can't stay in bed with me all day..." I say, hoping you'll get up and go eat and take care of yourself instead of me.

"A little bit longer won't hurt either of us. I could give you one and then go make us breakfast." I offer.

"I'm not hungry..." I insist, hoping you won't try to force me to eat anything today.

"You've gotta eat something," I urge gently, "even some fruit or something small."

"P-please, don't do this to me today.." I plead, staying still in my position. It hurts to move.

"I know it stresses you out, but you need to eat, Myungsoo-yah. You've already lost so much weight; I'm worried about you. You can just start small if you want. We have apples, I can slice one if you'd like."

"Hyung, please...not today...I don't even feel able to get out of bed today...please...one day won't kill me...I ate yesterday..." I reason, starting to get frustrated again.

"I know, Myungsoo, I know...but this is hurting you. If I bring you something here, will you try and eat a little bit? Even just a few bites.." I plead, knowing how thin you've gotten.

"I-I'll try but...please...please just let this slide today...I'll eat tomorrow, I promise you.." I know you'll probably still make me eat, but I'm afraid I can't handle it today.

"I know you had a rough night so I won't force you to.. But please try just a little bit. Tomorrow something bigger, okay? Being healthy will help you feel a little better."

I feel guilty and disappointing to you. I know you'll let it pass today, but I'll worry you if I don't eat. So finally, I say, "okay...I'll try..." despite the knot in my stomach at the thought of food.