"Sleep well," I smile, giving you a parting wave before leaving the room and heading down to the kitchen to finish off the ice cream we bought.

I say nothing in reply, I just pull the covers around me tighter and hope that I can be lulled to sleep somehow.

I sit at the kitchen table and simply quietly eat the chocolate ice cream. I take a deep breath and allow myself to relax for the first time all day. It's been stressful to say the least, but you're relatively safe and back home now, hopefully getting a good rest.

Despite how much I want to be able to fall asleep, I feel worse as time goes by. I feel regret about not having gone through with it, and I know I have a lot of pain to go through now. I have you, but it's not much of a consolation since I don't want to put you through any hardship.

I simply eat my ice cream and listen absentmindedly for you down the hall, just in case. I always feel at least half tuned into you, as I always want to make sure you're okay.

I let myself sink down into the covers, hiding under the blanket, and trying to sleep, but with the thoughts relentlessly racing through my mind, sleep never comes to me. I'm not used to sleeping without you, so I feel unprotected and cold.

I feel uneasy leaving you on your own, given recent events, so I figure it'd be okay if I at least poke my head in and check on you. Finishing up the ice cream, I put it down and make my way down the hall to open our door just a crack.
"Myungsoo?" I whisper, knowing that if you're asleep, that wouldn't wake you.

I debate answering, knowing that if I do, you'll feel like I can't fall asleep...which is true, but I don't want to admit it. However, part of me wants you with me, so I reply, "Dongwoo-hyung....?"

"Hey Myungsoo-yah... I'm just checking in. Are you okay?" I ask tentatively, knowing you can't sleep but I want to give you the liberty to say it yourself.

"I'm fine...I just....can't sleep...too much on my mine, I guess..." I answer, lying about being fine but not wanting to sound like I'm whining.

"Do you still want to be alone, or...do you want me to join you?" I ask, okay with either, though it'd be easier to look out for you if I was with you. That, and...I've just sort of grown accustomed to being with you.

I shrug. "I don't know...are you tired...?" I ask, not wanting to burden you at all.

"I am a little," I reply honestly. I'm not exhausted, but I could always sleep.

I nod and let out a tired sigh, my chest feeling heavy all of a sudden. "Okay..but you might sleep better if you slept in your own bed...I'll be okay tonight..I just don't want you waking up every time I do.."

"I don't mind waking up - and it's probably better if I do, because of this whole watch thing anyway, and if I'm in my own bed, well you know me, I won't wake up for anything. It all depends on how you're feeling right now. Would you rather sleep alone." I explain with a smile.

"Well, every time I wake up isn't a time you need to wake up... I just have trouble sleeping through the night..." I explain, trying to make it seem less serious so you don't worry.

"Is there anything I can do to help you sleep better?" I ask, willing to really do anything in order to let you get the rest you need.

I just shrug. It helps me a little when you are with me, and I feel safer in your arms, but I don't want to tell you that because I don't want to burden you any more than I already am.

"If you think of anything, let me know, okay? I promise I don't mind." I smile, sitting down on the bed next to you.

I nod and bite my lip, not sure what to even say, because anything I can say right now would either be a lie or make you feel more nervous and worried than I already can tell you are.

"Let's get some rest then. I think we could both do with a little sleep, just give me a second." I smile, quickly changing into my pyjamas before walking back over to you.

I sit up a little and glance over at you, unsure whether or not you're planning to sleep with me or just tell me goodnight, but I try to look like I'm okay for you as I gather every last bit of strength I have left and put it into sitting myself up.

I debate what I'm going to do for a moment before deciding that maybe you could do with a little extra love tonight, and so I sit down beside you and wrap an arm around you, "Is it okay if I sleep with you tonight?" I ask. I know it'd be our first time sleep of together since you found out I love you...but hopefully it doesn't change anything. Still, I want you to have a choice.

Part of me wants to push you away and keep you from hurting, but against my will, my body is drawn towards yours. I lean into your touch and hesitantly rest my head against your shoulder. I hate the fact that I upset you, and I hate how selfish I'm being right now, but having you with me makes me feel like maybe not everything in my life is dark. It's a little weird to think about sleeping with you now...now that I know how you feel, but on the other hand, it won't exactly be any different. Although it does raise the question of how long you've felt this way about me.
I nod, silently giving you permission to stay. I curse myself for it, knowing I shouldn't let you sacrifice your sleep for me, but admittedly, I feel so on edge right now...like any little thing could cause me to lose balance and slip and fall. I want you with me. I need you with me.

I give you a small, warm smile and gently lay down with you. I pull the sheets up over us and I scoot a little closer to you, wrapping my arms loosely around you. You have full permission to push me away if I get too close for you, and I hope you know that, but at the same time...we've done this dozens of times before and I hope me loving you doesn't change that. It's not like I'd ever try anything on you. The thought hasn't even once occurred to me. I've dreamt of kissing you once or twice, just innocently, but that's as far as my thoughts have wandered, and even then I had to stop them there. You're not mine to dream about kissing and I know you never will be.

As much as I hate myself for it, I lean closer to you, snuggling against your chest and curling my fingers in the fabric of your shirt. It feels so...natural for my body to fit perfectly against yours. Knowing now how you feel should make me feel awkward since I don't return the feelings...so why doesn't it? In a way, it's almost a comfort...to know that I have at least one person who loves me, and I can feel it through your embrace. I trust you not to do anything. The thought has never even crossed my mind that you'd even try. With you, I feel...safe.

Despite my best intentions to only hold you for your own comfort, I can't help my mind wandering to how nice this feels, and how nicely we for together. I can't help but wish to spend all my nights like this with you, but I know I can't, and I know you won't love me back like I love you..and that's okay, as long as you're happy in the end. That's my goal, no matter who or what it is that makes you happy. I know I could be the one to make you smile and laugh and love life again, but you can't force feelings and I understand that. I'd rather have my heart broken by you meeting someone else than have it shattered by losing you entirely. Either way, I care about you, and so I hold you a little tighter and resist kissing the top of your head, opting to pull the sheets up a little further instead.

I let out a heavy sigh and let your body warm mine. As I rest my head on your chest, I can hear the steady sound of your heart beating and I focus in on it, trying to make myself forget about my own, and how much I wish it would stop trying...I wish it would give up like the rest of me...but it thinks I'm still alive. I hate mine, but hearing yours is nice. Your heart beat paired with the gentle rise and fall of your chest soothes me just a little.