"It's okay," I say with a gentle smile, reaching out for your hand again, intending nothing but to give you comfort, "You don't need to be in a relationship right now, and not with me, either. I know it won't happen and that's alright. I didn't tell you so you would feel pressured; just don't think about it, okay?"

I accept your hand this time and try to keep myself calm. "It's hard to just 'not think about it' when your closest friend walks in on you trying to take your own life and tells you he loves you...and then you don't believe him at first...he's probably just saying it to keep you here.....and then you start to notice little things he does that make you realise that those feelings are genuine...but you're still stuck on your belief that you are the scum of the Earth and shouldn't even be alive. As far as you're concerned, you're living on borrowed time. You think to yourself, 'I should have noticed he felt this way sooner,' because you begin to think about things differently...the way he hugs you...the way he has kissed you to comfort you...the way he holds you when you sleep together at night as if you're his...but you were too absorbed in your problems to even think about how he feels. You know now that he means it, but you're still too much of a mess to rationalise how you feel about it," I explain, trying to get you to see my perspective. "And then you also have unanswered questions..things you don't understand...things you want to understand...You wonder how long all this has been different for him...How long has he felt this way? It's added stress on me, hyung...It should be a comfort to know someone loves me, and in a way it is, but at the same time, I don't know how to handle this situation...especially when you tell me things like you understand that I can't be a relationship right now, and you know I'll never be with you...and that it's "okay" when I know I'm probably breaking your heart...I can't do anything right...This is really stressful on me..." I let out a heavy sigh. "I wouldn't be good for you anyway...a relationship with me is masochistic and a train wreck waiting to happen. I wish I would have just ended this all when I had the chance...I'm going to hurt you either way..." I mumble quietly, keeping my eyes away from yours. I can't look at them right now. I don't want to see any sadness...

"There are a few things I want to say," I begin gently, "First off, I don't mind that you're broken or hurting. That doesn't make me love you any less, and I don't think a relationship with you would be a trainwreck. I know it wouldn't be smooth sailing but that wouldn't bother me... And..it really is okay that you can't love me back. It's going to hurt a bit, but I don't mind that so much because it means at least you'd be around to break my heart. I'll get better, it won't keep me down forever. I don't want you to worry about my feelings - I can put them aside until we're past this if we need to." I say with a small smile, knowing I'll do that if it helps you. "Also..you want to know how long I've felt this way? Honestly, I don't know. I didn't really know how I felt until I went out and I ran into Eunji, and she kind of made me realize that I love you. I came home and that's...when I told you. You've known almost as long as I have, so all those hugs and the nights I held you before.. They didn't mean more, at least not consciously." I try to explain.

"In case you haven't noticed, hyung, my last relationship was more than a little abusive. I have problems with alcohol and I'm unstable. How could I sustain a relationship with anyone if I can't even handle myself? It would be a train wreck, trust me...and I'm still going to worry about your feelings because I care about you. I'd feel selfish if I didn't..." I bite my lip hard to ease my anxiety and I can taste the blood in my mouth a little. "Do they mean more now...?"

"Nobody is perfect, but it doesn't mean you don't deserve love. Your last relationship wasn't only you in the wrong.. Both you and Sungyeol mistreated each other, so that doesn't have to be a model to go off of. Myungsoo-yah, my feelings can be put aside for now, it's okay. I didn't count on finding love any time soon anyway," I say with a small smile, and I hesitate before answering your question, "No...I try not to let them. Sometimes..I can't help but think about how nice it would be to do this and have it mean something else, but I know it doesn't, and so my main goal is just to comfort and help you. I have no other intentions."

"It was mostly my fault..." I retort, shrugging a little. As you explain, I feel a little bit awkward, so I shift uncomfortably. "I think...it would be better for you if we slept alone tonight...I'll be okay.."

My heart sinks a little, but I offer you a small smile, "Okay, let me know if you want to change that. I'll only be a few feet away. And- uh... I feel like I should apologize. I never meant to tell you how I feel, and I'm sorry I've put you in an awkward position. I hope it won't hurt our friendship, because even platonically, I love you."

"Then why did you...?" I ask, sounding harsher than I intended to, but I'm more than a little distraught right now. "I don't know how I feel right now."

I bite my lip, your tone stinging a bit, but I push it back. I know I've put you in a difficult position, "I was desperate - I had to say something to make you stay. And I know this must be confusing, but really I know nothing will happen between us, and I have no intentions to try anything on you...so I hope we can still be okay."

Desperate. I feel bad when you say it like that.
"I know you won't try anything on me, hyung, I trust you..." I let out a sigh. "We'll be fine..." I say, though I mean it strictly in terms of our friendship, not about myself.

I nod and give you a small smile, finding it almost funny, the thought that I might try anything on anyone. "Anyway, we should try and get some sleep...it's been a long day.."

"Yeah," I reply and lean in to give you a hug, just so you know that we're okay. "I hope you sleep well," I say, knowing I won't get any sleep.

I hug you back but don't hold on as long as I'd like to, "I hope you do too.. Wake me up if you need anything please, okay? I don't mind at all." I smile softly, getting up and walking over to my bed.

"I'll be fine.." I repeat, knowing that I wouldn't wake you up even if I did need something. I feel like enough of a burden already. "Goodnight, Dongwoo-hyung"

"Goodnight, Myungsoo-yah.." I say, hesitantly turning off the lights and climbing into my bed. Feeling just a little down, I pull my blankets up high and nestle down into them, hugging a pillow to my chest as well. Happy thoughts, I think to myself,and I force the weight of the situation and the ache in my chest - the ghost of the heartbreak to come - out of my mind. I have to be strong for you.

I pull the covers over myself and curl up. I feel bad about pushing you away, but it was...necessary...Though my bed feels a lot colder without you in it, and I feel an unexplainable tightness in my chest as if something isn't right. This doesn't sit with me well, and I keep thinking about it, making it even more difficult for me to fall asleep...

It feels strange to sleep without you after so long, and so I hold my pillow tight and imagine, only briefly, that it's you. It doesn't have your warmth though, or the rise and fall of your chest. Still, this is what you want and so I have to accept it. I know I should try and sleep now, but i can't help but focus on you. I need to know that you're alright.

As the minutes pass, I continually toss and turn and try to find a comfortable position. Once I do, even then I can't seem to fall asleep. My mind is too occupied with negative thoughts. Time passes, and with each passing second, I grow frustrated. The tightness in my chest lingers, and it feels like I'm breathing with a ten pound weight on my chest. There are a million ways I could have wished for that conversation to go, and that way was not one of them. I'm left with this unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach, and that paired with my emotional distress and lack of sleep and self loathing, makes me feel like I'm close to having a breakdown. 

I can almost feel your distress from here, and I feel uneasy. I don't know what else to say to you, but still...I don't feel right just leaving you alone over there, and so I get up and gently make my way to you. Slowly, I reach out and try to comfort you how my mother used to comfort me. I tuck your blankets in around you and I bend down to give you a quick hug before rubbing your shoulder lightly.

I cover my face with my hands and rub at it. I peak at the clock and an hour has passed since you turned off the lights and both of us are still awake. "I-I'm okay..Go to sleep." My whispering voice helps to cover the stress in it caused by the growing knot in my throat as my exhaustion becomes overwhelming and I get frustrated with sleep evading me. Still, I try not to tip you off.

"I know you're not, it's okay.." I say gently, and I hesitate, "Can I do something for you?"

"I know you're not, it's okay.." I say gently, and I hesitate, "Can I do something for you?"[/quote]"Please sleep..you need it..." I insist again, knowing that nothing you do will help me. "I'll be fine, please..."

"I can't sleep anyway.. It is okay if I try something?" I ask again gently, only wanting to help.

"What is it, hyung?" I say, frustration lacing my voice and sharpening my tone. Having gone nearly 48 hours without sleeping, I'm starting to really feel the effects of the exhaustion and it's making me a lot more short-fused than I am normally. I'm frustrated by my inability to sleep, and I'm frustrated by your unwillingness to sleep.

I understand why you're frustrated, and so I don't take offence to your tone, "Can you lie on your stomach and close your eyes? I just want to try and help you relax."

I let out a frustrated sigh, feeling like I'm about to cry out of frustration right now. However, I'm too tired to be stubborn, so I reluctantly do as you ask.

"Thank you," I smile softly, and I sit down next to you on the bed before bringing my hands to your shoulders and gently starting to massage them.

"You don't have to do this..." I say quietly, though as you start to massage me, I can feel how truly tensed and knotted up I am.