*as I listen to you, I find myself agreeing with nothing you say. I don't understand how you can see me that way, because through my eyes, my flaws way overpower my good traits. I would argue but I know there's no changing your mind. Part of me feels bad that I can't return your love, but I know that even if I did, it's best we don't end up together. I'd only hurt you and I can't do that to you. I care about you too much. I also feel bad that you want to make me happy, when I know you'll only disappoint yourself trying* don't beat yourself up if your efforts fail to turn me around...I've been lost like this for a long time. I don't see happy as one of the words to describe anything in my near future. Maybe I will be again, but the fall is inevitable...relapse is inevitable. This isn't a phase, it's a cycle. I'll rise only to fall again. It's hard to be happy when you know it could all be over the next month, or the next week, the next day, or even the next hour. Do you understand why death is so appealing to me? At least if I die and go to Hell, I'll have certainty that my suffering will be eternal. I don't even have that here. I always have the worry that I could be fine one day and then suffer the next. Not knowing is part of the suffering. Death is certain, and I like that...and if I commit suicide, I know where I'll go and I know I'll suffer but at least I'll know. There's comfort in knowing.
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