I feel pushed and cornered and insecure now. My mind tells me one thing and you tell me another and when I hear the words "too thin," it doesn't settle right with me. It makes me feel even more insecure about my body than I already was. I feel like somehow I'm a disappointment to you and I can't handle that. I've put you through so much shit today alone so reluctantly, I say "O-okay..." I look down at my form and I struggle to suppress the feelings of hate welling up inside of me. "Too thin?" I don't see it...I think I'm too fat, and you say I'm too thin and I can't help but feel a little defensive. "I-I'm fine though..." I mutter under my breath, trying to somehow defend myself against your words.
|
|
||||||||||||
|
"You've always been thin, and that's just fine...but since you've stopped eating, you've lost a lot of weight and I'm worried.." I admit, reaching out to take your hand, "It isn't so much your body shape that's a problem...but it's unhealthy and I'm scared for you."
|
||||||||||||
|
"I needed to lose weight..." I mumble, looking down at our hands and feeling a knot in my stomach.
|
||||||||||||
|
"You don't, Myungsoo-yah...you're so thin already. You don't have much more weight to lose.." I murmur, biting my lip. You're already skin and bones. "And even if you weren't thin, there's nothing wrong with that."
|
||||||||||||
|
"N-no...it wouldn't be okay. I...I need to be thin. I need to lose as much weight as I can..."
|
||||||||||||
|
"There's nothing wrong with having a little more weight to you, but Myungsoo...you don't. I know you can't see that, but I wouldn't lie to you. You're scary thin.." I murmur gently.
|
||||||||||||
|
I pull my hand away from yours, getting upset now. "Just let me worry about my own weight and please stop telling me what I have to change..." I scold, feeling really guilty as soon as I say it. I just feel so cornered and it upsets me to have you telling me that my body isn't right. I feel uncomfortable enough without that.
|
||||||||||||
|
"It's not necessarily your weight that I'm worried about...it's your health. Your body needs food to function." I explain softly, not wanting to upset you but needing you to be healthy.
|
||||||||||||
|
"I ate yesterday," I explain, hoping to get a free pass on that.
|
||||||||||||
|
"You did, and I'm very proud of you for that, but you need a little more. Please, Myungsoo-yah? Just something small and I won't bother for for the rest of the day. I'll make you anything you want." I offer gently.
|
||||||||||||
|
I bite my lip as I consider. You're asking me nicely now, and after all I've put you through today and yesterday, I'd feel bad if I said no. "O-okay..something small," I say, giving in, though I don't feel so good about it.
|
||||||||||||
|
"Does a nice broth sound good? It'll be easy on your stomach. It's up to you," I offer with a soft smile.
|
||||||||||||
|
"Okay..." I say reluctantly. I'll feel bad no matter what I do.
|
||||||||||||
|
"And what do you want on the side? Or maybe I can add something to the broth - I can make you a nice soup, does that sound alright?" I ask, leaving the choice up to you.
|
||||||||||||
|
"Do we have any kimchi...?" I ask, figuring if I'm going to eat, I might as well eat something I like.
|
||||||||||||
|
I can't help but grin; kimchi is a lot better than what I'd hoped you'd eat, "You bet! I'll make some for you." I say with a smile.
|
||||||||||||
|
"Thank you, hyung.." I say quietly. "Do you need any help?"
|
||||||||||||
|
"I don't need any, but you're more than welcome to if you want to," I reply warmly.
|
||||||||||||
|
I nod in understanding. "Are you eating, too?"
|
||||||||||||
|
"Of course," I smile, waiting for you to get up before I head to the kitchen.
|
||||||||||||
|
Slowly, I pick myself up and get up off the couch. I just want to get this over with..
|
||||||||||||
|
I smile at you and walk with you to the kitchen before I start getting out what we'll need to make the kimchi, "Do you want to help or would you rather just relax?"
|
||||||||||||
|
"I want to help," I say, not wanting to feel utterly useless.
|
||||||||||||
|
"Alright, can you get the ingredients out?" I ask with a smile.
|
||||||||||||
|
"Yeah. What do you need?" I ask once we get to the kitchen.
|
||||||||||||
|
"Cabbage, salt, I'll get the water, garlic, ginger, sugar, red pepper flakes, radish, and scallions." I rattle off from memory as I begin to get out the cooking tools needed.
|
||||||||||||
|
"Okay," I say as I go to get the items you requested and place them on the counter. "Should I set the table?"
|
||||||||||||
|
"Yes please," I smile, getting out a medium sized pot and starting to work on making the kimchi.
|
||||||||||||
|
I go and set the table with bowls and chopsticks while you make the kimchi, though as we get closer to eating, the more nervous I begin to feel.
|
||||||||||||
|
I work quickly but carefully, both hungry myself and wanting you to eat, and wanting to eat, myself. It's been a few hours, I'm hungry again. I hum as I prepare the food and I flash you a smile every time I look over at you.
|
||||||||||||
the emoji's look really cute //sobs 
so cute!
