I don't even try to smile back. In fact, I'm getting a little preoccupied with the whole situation and I feel really anxious.
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I notice your anxiousness and I pause, "Are you alright?" I ask gently.
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"I'm fine," I lie, brushing the question off. You know I'm not but I'd rather not have to explain why.
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We both know you're lying, but clearly you don't want to talk about it and so I don't press. I remain wary, however, and I keep your anxiousness in mind as I finish up the kimchi.
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I force a smile onto my face and go to get us both something to drink. My eyes scan the refrigerator for something and although the alcohol catches my eye, I know you would disapprove so I grab some juice instead. "What would you like?"
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"Do we have milk?" I ask, finishing up making the kimchi and turning the heat off.
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"Yeah," I say and pour you a glass of milk. I walk over to the table and set down our drinks before taking a seat.
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I bring over the kimchi and serve you some before serving myself and sitting down across from you, "Dig in!"
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I look down at my plate and I already feel fat simply by looking at it. I pick up my chopsticks with a shaky hand and slowly put a small piece of kimchi into my mouth. It tastes really good, but I can feel my chest burning as I swallow.
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I take a large bite of my own meal, but I see your hands shaking and my heart sinks. I wish I could help you...
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I take a second bite, chewing it slowly and taking a deep breath to keep myself calm. This is hard for me, a lot harder than I'm showing, but I keep trying since you went through all the trouble to make it for me. "T-thanks...it's really good," I say painfully, trying to smile.
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"I'm glad it's good," I smile, trying not to show my worry. I can see you struggling, "Thank you for helping." I say, wanting to distract you in any way possible.
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"It's no problem," I answer as I take another bite. You gave me a lot...or at least it feels like a lot...
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"You used to really enjoy cooking - do you still?" I ask conversationally as I take another large bite. I've only had three meals today and one was apple slices; I'm hungry.
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"I don't know...I haven't done it in a while," I say, realising now how many of my hobbies I haven't done in a while. Since my depression set in, I have sort of just let it consume me.
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"I remember you being really good. You should try it again sometime," I suggest casually, smiling at you.
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"Maybe some day," I say as I take another bite. I start to feel sick now with guilt...
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"Let me know if you do," I smile, "I'll test out your food for you~"
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"Duly noted," I reply as I take another bite and suppress the urge to push my plate away.
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I smile at you again and can't help as my mind imagines the idea of you cooking again, smiling and trying out new recipes, and I sit here and watch you, complimenting your food as you feed it to me.. I shake the thought quickly. I have to stay focused on you - the real you, not the one I imagine, the one who would date me.
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After a few more bites, I put my chopsticks down, needing to take a break. My mind has been doing nothing but scold me this whole time - "fat, ugly, disgusting..." - and on top of that I already feel bloated, which only adds to my suffering.
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I pause before I take another bite, feeling like I need to tell you, "You're doing really well. I'm proud of you," I say with a smile.
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"I...I don't know how much more I can eat..." I reply, wanting to finish this for you, but with each bite, I feel worse and worse.
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"You've done really well. Can you give me just a few more bites? You can stop after that," I smile, happy you've at least eaten this much. It's better than nothing.
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"Just...let me give myself a few minutes please.." I say, letting myself take a little bit to breathe. I feel so bloated and gross...but I feel like it would be rude to not finish it though, especially since you cooked it especially for me. I've always been taught that I should finish everything, so now I feel obligated...why did you have to give me so much?
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"Take your time, it's alright," I smile softly, wanting only to be encouraging. I know you're trying to hard right now and I don't want to push you too much.
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"Thanks," I say, and I take a few deep breaths before picking up my chopsticks again. Maybe if I eat the rest quickly, I won't feel as bad...?
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I try not to watch you too carefully, and so I turn back to my own meal and begin to eat again slowly, enjoying the kimchi. I didn't do half bad~
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As I eat, I try to focus on how good it tastes rather than how I feel about my body. The way you make it kind of reminds me of how my mom used to do it...it is really good, so it makes me wish I could actually enjoy it...
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I feel a little relieved when you begin eating again. I'll admit you've got me really worried, but this meal is a big step for you and I'm happy you took it. I'll have to think of something nice to do for you as a sort of reward.. You had that panic attack, and you've been sad all day, but you also slept and are eating now. Mentally it's been rough for you, but physically today has been alright. You've taken two good steps.
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the emoji's look really cute //sobs 
so cute!
