"I wouldn't have done it if you didn't force me to eat!" I snap, the stress building up too much for me to handle anymore. "Fuck, Dongwoo-hyung, I told you earlier that I couldn't handle eating today! I had one request, one simple request that you just let me be for a day. I promised you I would eat tomorrow, but it had to be today. I feel bad enough already right now about trying to commit suicide and failing, did you really have to put the stress of eating on me too? Yes, I know I'm depressed. Yes, I know I have problems. Yes, I know I'm unpredictable and unreliable and can't be trusted to be left alone. Yes, I know I'm sick, the doctor made sure to inform me of that. I know all that well, but I do know what I can and can't handle and I told you I could not handle food today. But yet, you still pushed me! What did you expect of me? I didn't want to make myself throw up. The guilt was eating me alive! I had to do something to make the voices in my head shut up and stop calling me fat and stop calling me ugly. How would you feel? Think about having someone telling you 24/7 how ugly and fat you are. 'Jang Dongwoo, you are so fucking fat, no wonder no one loves you. It's a miracle you can even get up because you're so fat. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror? Don't bother. Let me tell you, you're ugly no matter how much makeup you paint your fat little face with.' And. They. Don't. Shut. Up. And you can't do anything about it because guess who the voices belong to? Yourself. And on top of that, I felt gross and bloated and disgusting and I just felt miserable and I couldn't sleep like that. You know I'm sleep deprived, that was my priority, not food. And even now..it's fucking embarrassing for me, and you are here pushing me to talk to you about it! Yes, I purged, announce it to the press why don't you, so they can plaster it all over every magazine in Korea. 'Infinite's L has eating disorder!' Fantastic," I applaud in a condescending manner to further strengthen my point before continuing, "Please, why can't you just respect my plea for privacy? Just once? Isn't the fact that I feel bad about it good enough? I didn't want to talk about it. I felt like maybe I could have slept before. I felt okay before. Now I don't. Thank you." I realise that maybe I'm being a little unreasonable. You are only trying to help me and I'm yelling at you for it, but sometimes you do push me too much. I know it's out of love, but that doesn't make it any less stressful.
|