Once I get to the bathroom, I close the door behind me and lock it. My hands shake a little as the tension in the pit of my stomach and chest grow. I could still go back...I haven't done it yet...but...I have to...If I don't, I'll feel guilty and fat for the rest of the night. So I continue telling myself how disgusting I am as I run my hands through my hair and take deep breaths. With one last deep breath, I walk over to the toilet and kneel down beside it, lifting up the seat and letting out a sigh as I close my eyes I give myself a few extra moments to think about what I'm doing, but all I can hear is the endless screaming of my mind beating me down, calling me ugly, calling me fat, calling me weak...So I break. I have to try hard not to let myself cry again, which only adds to the physical tension and stress felt in my body. With my left, uninjured hand, I take my index and middle finger and stick them down my throat as far as I can. It takes a few tries as I pull back when I start to gag, but by the third or fourth try, I push them far back enough to be successful. I clamp my hands onto the side of the toilet bowl as I start vomiting as much as I can out of my stomach. It's miserable, but I'd take this over being fat any day...
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